Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
