If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
