just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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