I want to walk on stilts...naked
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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