Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON