So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
