put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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