The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
