I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
