yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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