I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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