Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
