Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
