One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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