I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
50% drunk capacity currently
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
