He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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