i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
