i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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