Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
