Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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