just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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