The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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