I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
