i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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