I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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