So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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