On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
