First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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