Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
