I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
