I heard we made out
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
