I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
