i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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