Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
