mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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