how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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