I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
