the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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