man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
