Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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