I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
