last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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