You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
