There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
