Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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