Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
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Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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