I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
