He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
