Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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