Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
