I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
