oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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