Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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