How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
