This is not my ceiling
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My balls are so social today.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
