So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?