Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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