do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
