just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
