I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
